Thank You For Loving Me

A Letter to you, Mom...

And Some Tips For You

Dear Mom, Mommy, Mama, Linda, Linnie, 

Thank you for loving me.  I still love you.  You blessed me with so many gifts, literally!  You gave me a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful house, wonderful parents, a beautiful dog, the best clothes, and of course, something not material, the best love.  You always came through when you told me you would do something for dad or me or grammie or someone else.  

When you were sick, it was so hard.  You and I just couldn't seem to see the end. As a little twelve year old, I had no idea what to expect in life.  I was so weird! Grief is still difficult, but I can deal with it.

I get stressed, and I still need to count on my mom to help me through it.  You are there.
I get tired, and I need to count on my mom to help me through it. You are there.
I get angry, and I need my mom to calm me down. You are there.
I get sad, and I need my mom to make me smile. You are there.

Although you are not here physically, you are here in my heart. Sometimes I really need to just have a conversation with you, and I know that I can because one thing that you always told me was that, "Even when I'm gone, you can still talk to me. I'll be listening."  That makes me smile. All my life, I've been able to trust and love you.

I love and miss you so much.

Love,
Lizzie Lou

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is something I do all the time.
I write letters to my mother. Even though they are not delivered by the mail man like usual mail to our friends, parents, grandparents, or whoever, this one, I know when I write it out, my mom can read it through my heart.

It is helpful when grief gets difficult because all you have to write about is your memories together with your loved one or just saying what is bothering you. They will understand.

When I write like this, I also do it because I know I am having a sort-of-conversation with my mother, which I have always wanted to do since she died.

Everyone's grief is different, but I know that this really helps.

Just sit down with a computer, paper, pencil, pen, marker, or whatever, and try to write a letter to your loved one.  I know I talked about writing an obituary, but writing a letter is even more personal. No one has to read it, and it is just your own little hang out time with your loved one.

Try it. You never know until you try!

It really helps! From a teenager that likes to always help people out, try this. Grief will feel like a breeze during this writing time.  It can be one sentence, it can be 100 sentences.

Write about:
The trip to the beach
Their birthday party
Growing up with them
Learning to ride a bike with them
Playing in the backyard with them
Going to school in the morning with them
Waking up on Christmas morning to their shining face

Here, anything goes! Have fun with it!

What do you guys like to do when you are grieving? Do you like to write like me?
Leave your responses in the comments!

As Always,
Elizabeth

Pet Grief

Losing Our Furry Companions is Just as Difficult

 Losing a pet can be just as hard as losing a loved one.  I am very close to all of my pets.  Sometimes I tend to tell more to my pets than I tell to my family, well, because they can't spill any of my secrets.

My Youngest Cat: Guinness (a.k.a Kitten)
14 years old (Passed away March 6, 2014)

Guinness (above) has passed away most recently from a cancerous tumor on her backside. It completely broke my heart. She and her five other brothers and sisters were born in my mud room fourteen years ago.  She slept with me every night, and liked to use my arms and hands as scratching posts, which was never fun. I still loved her, though! She was an outdoor cat for most of her life, until one day, we would open the door, and she would look out, and turn around and go back upstairs.  

I miss her dearly, and it is very strange not having her around in my room, meowing at me every minute for love and attention. She will always be in my heart.

My Oldest Cat: Tinkerbell (Guinness' mother)
About 20 years old (Passed away three years ago)

Tinkerbell (above) is our oldest cat.  Before I was born, my parents owned a perfect white cat, Puddy, who passed away when I was four years old.  One night, I was being babysat and my parents were out at a special dinner.  I was about to head to bed, but my babysitter accidentally let our cat Puddy outside.  My babysitter quickly opened the door again, and called for her. She came back in, but another cat followed.  It was Tinkerbell.  She came onto our back patio, and was not planning on leaving.  My babysitter decided to give her a bowl of milk to see what she would do with the offering. Tinkerbell gladly accepted the milk, and from that moment on, she was ours.  What we didn't realize was that she was pregnant, and about four months later, she delivered five kittens.  We had friends adopt four and we kept one, which was Guinness.

Tinkerbell was a complete outdoor cat, and hated to be inside.  She was so sweet, and never wanted to bother or hurt anyone.  She ran away for a while, and when she didn't return, my dad and I realized that she had passed away.

I miss her as well.  She is still so special to me.

My Dog and My Best Friend: Molly
10 years old (Still living)

Molly, my all time favorite pet, is amazing. She never bites or barks. She just loves to cuddle! She can always sense when someone is feeling upset or really happy, because she will react along with you.  She will nudge under your arm and try to comfort you, but if you are feeling very happy, she will jump up and down like a mini deer. She will play with you. She always knows what to do, just so you can keep a smile on your face. She is protective, but only in a good sense.  

My dog and two cats were the ones that I was able to go to after the death of my mother.  It was almost like they could tell that she was going to die before any of us could.  

Pets are wonderful companions. Whether it be a fish, dog, cat, lizard, bunny, hamster, guinea pig, horse, pig, bird, or goat, they are all our best friends. 

It is always such a terrible moment when we lose that best friend. I have experienced it three times.  Our reactions are sometimes the same and sometimes different from when we grieve a human's death.  

One thing that I have done and that my friends have done is that they have had the body of their pet cremated or placed in a box for the family to take home.  

Another helpful idea for coping with the loss of your pet is to remember all of the fun times you and your pet(s) had together.  Since I have lost both of my cats, I have tried to remember all the times that they both would sleep with me on my bed, and each one would be on either side of me.  I also remember that the two cats would fight over each other's food bowls.  I had to put both down at the same time, or else Guinness would eat Tinkerbell's food before any of us knew what happened.  My mom and I would laugh over the small things like this.  Although I miss my two cats, I know that I will always have our memories in my heart, like I do with the memories I have with my mother.  

The other day, some one suggested that I could adopt a mini-me version of one of my cats, so it is basically like their lives begin all over again.  

Do not dwell on the passing of your pets. Just know that they are in a more comfortable place, where there is no harm or pain.  Their spirits will live on, even when they do not.  

If your pet is going to pass away soon, or not, cherish every moment you spend with them. I know I did before Guinness died. I sat with her and just stroked back the matted fur that had formed from the cancer.  Your pets love you, and do the same for them.  

When the time comes for them to pass, tell them a heartfelt goodbye. It may not mean as much to them, but to you, it explains how much compassion you have for them.  

Pets are just as important as our loved ones.  

Here is a video about pet grief:

As Always,

Elizabeth

The pictures above are mine.

Linda Ann June 11, 1958~June 25, 2009

A Biography of the Loving Mother, Wife, and Loved One

 My mom, Linda, was born on a beautiful June day; June 11, 1958.  

 She was born in New Jersey, and at a young age, she moved with her family to Connecticut.  She had a brother, my uncle, and her mom and dad, my grandmother and grandfather.

As she got older, they adopted a black lab and named her Charlie.  She was so kind to everyone, as I've heard, and nestled in on your lap if you were sad or feeling alone.  

She went to college at Colby-Sawyer College.  She told me of a story when my grandmother, her mother went to pick her up in the winter and the car heater was broken and there was about two feet of snow on the ground!  

Later, she met my dad.  She was a secretary of someone with whom my dad was working on a project.  They got married in 1991.  

A few years later, I was born and became the huge focal point of their lives.  I was a lucky girl, and still am.  

In 2000, we moved to a new house where we lived for 13 years.  As a surprise one summer, my mom and grandfather painted my room pink, my favorite color at the time.

In 2003, we adopted our yellow lab, Molly.

She is the light of our lives.  She is the one who I have relied on to help me through my grief.  

Back to my mother, in 2004, she had to have brain surgery due to a brain tumor.  She had the procedure and came home.  She recovered fully, and led a normal life.

We went to the Cayman Islands for spring break, we went to Kiawah Island with family, and we traveled all the time. I even went to the Christian-Science summer camp my mom and uncle went to in Maine when they were growing up.  

My mom joined Weight-Watchers to lose the weight she had gained from the medications she had to take.  She lost most of the weight she wanted to lose, and was very pleased with herself.  

Then, in 2009, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer; the most difficult battle of her entire life.  She was put on chemotherapy.  She had many times of switching between living in the hospital and living at home in a hospital bed.  She turned 52 on June 11th of that year, and was failing slowly.  She was surrounded by family and friends all the time.  I was there for most of it, and was only 12 years old.  I hated being at my home, and would do anything to be away from my mom.  I was afraid of when my mom's death would occur.  

Finally, on June 25, 2009, my mom, the beautiful, strong, amazing Linda passed away surrounded by my grandparents, four hospice nurses, my dad, and me.  We knew it was time, and knew she was at peace.  

My dad and I went through heck and back through each other's grief, feeling pain whenever we saw moms and daughters having fun, or husbands and wives sitting together.  My family stuck together through thick and thin, and we still do.

~~~~~~

This is my story, but really my mom's.  It is the very shortened version, but I wanted to let you all know that I can totally relate to how you all feel, because my mom died right in my own home.  I will forever love her, and I know that my grief will someday feel better, and I will be able to stand up straight again.

Creating this helped me more than you may think, and I believe that if you wrote an "obituary" or "biography" or your loved one's life, it would help tremendously.

It can make your journey so much easier.  Just sit down with a piece of paper and a pen or pencil or in front of a computer screen and write the story or stories of your loved one(s) lives.  It makes the memories we had with them more fun to think about, and it makes us think about the things our loved ones did and not just that they died, but maybe helped in a charity or played a lot of sports or had ten children, something like that.  It's a fun exercise I think all of us could benefit from, and don't worry! No one would have to read it, it's just for you!

Here is a post to help you get started writing~

http://www.connect.legacy.com/inspire/how-to-write-an-obituary-or

The pictures from above are mine.

Good luck and As Always,

Elizabeth

Safety in Our Grief

Am I Alone? Am I Okay?

You may feel lonely, and scared, but always remember, you
are not going through grief by yourself.

It is always important to feel safe. Right? Yes.  We may have had an experience when someone tried to jump out at us, from a bush, or from a dark room and try to scare us. I have never liked those moments, and I'm sure no one has.  No one likes to feel afraid or alone, at least I know I don't!  

Grief is kind of like this because it can jump on us at any time, like a friend jumping out behind the door of a closet.  We never know when we will feel depressed with it, but we do know, and I know, that we can all handle it. We have been strong, and if we continue to be that way, grief can feel better and not as 'scary.'  

Reaching out to feel safety is always important as well.  I have always looked to reach out to my family, who always, sometimes know what to say to me when I am in pain.  They make me feel 'safe.'  

My mom's death sent me downhill, but reaching out to others has brought me back up to the surface.  When we lose someone, it is hard to want to do anything or say anything to the ones who are offering help.  

Safety in our grief is different for everyone, and can be very important.  Feeling 'scared' or 'alone' in our grief can cause us to fall deeper in our grief. Sometimes, if we look at old pictures or home movies, and we see our passed away loved one, it sometimes is very sad because you may wish to be with that person again and do that same activity again.  

Not everyone likes to publicize their grief, which is completely understandable because sometimes I don't either.  I have realized, the hard way, that when I am able to speak of my grief, or tell a story of my mother, I feel better because then, the people around me know why I may be acting sad or strange. 

I do think, though, that we can all agree that grief really stinks.  Our lives are not made to dwell on our grief, they're made to live them out with big and small challenges, and living out all those amazing, fun times. 

We may all get that feeling sometimes when we feel as though we aren't okay.  We may feel that we are sinking.  We don't want that!  You may ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this way? Am I okay?"  The answer is, YES. We all may feel that way and that is another feeling of safety.  We all may feel anxious as though maybe our loved one doesn't love/ like us anymore, but the truth is, they will always love us no matter if they are in Heaven, or here with us.  We all need to feel safe in our grief, and that is a MUST.  

Once again, grief is so hard to get through, and if we feel safe with it, it becomes a little easier.  It's kind of like our self image, like if we feel confident in who we are, then others will accept us as well, and it will be easier to be ourselves.  

Feeling safe in grief is just like feeling safe in any situation.  For example, do you feel safe when you are in a car with your best friend on the way to the movies or dinner?  Yes? No?  Well, grief is the same because do you feel safe when you are home alone and have no where and no one to talk to about your grief? Yes? No? Grief is so strange, but we can get through it! 

I'll leave you with a quote that I've heard ever since my mom passed away.

 

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~Gandhi

Good luck, and have faith that you are safe and you don't need to feel alone nor afraid.

Here is a link to a video on YouTube which deals with grief, and quotes from people who know what we are going through. Check it out!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXpcAFT8hU0 

As Always,

Elizabeth

Picture at the left: 

https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1104&bih=647&q=grief+alone&oq=grief+alone&gs_l=img.3...2427.3812.0.4222.11.11.0.0.0.0.102.637.10j1.11.0.ehm_pq_ffrac%2Chmss2%3Dfalse...0...1.1.32.img..3.8.501.OWM3QcuYz0U#hl=en&q=grief+not+alone&tbm=isch&facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=4z-DSjVA3RiJLM%253A%3BweOcjo5ttVFnUM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthegrieftoolbox.com%252Fsites%252Fdefault%252Ffiles%252F31919_380394008724599_2010108774_n-2.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthegrieftoolbox.com%252Fartwork%252Fyou-are-not-alone%3B852%3B657

Picture at the right:

https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1104&bih=647&q=grief+alone&oq=grief+alone&gs_l=img.3...2427.3812.0.4222.11.11.0.0.0.0.102.637.10j1.11.0.ehm_pq_ffrac%2Chmss2%3Dfalse...0...1.1.32.img..3.8.501.OWM3QcuYz0U#hl=en&q=grief+hands&tbm=isch&facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=jTjTCtxMmz0YQM%253A%3BPtYb2FeF28qoQM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthelychway.co.nz%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2012%252F07%252Fgrief-pic-2.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthelychway.co.nz%252Fgrief-counselling%252F%3B300%3B402

Wish You Were Here....

That "Wishing You Were Here" Moment

We all have those moments when we wish that our loved one was here with us.  As for me, it is all the time.  I'm sure in our lives we will wish that our loved one would be there on our wedding day, the day our first child is born, the day we graduate from middle or high school, or college, to watch us score that winning goal in our football game or field hockey game, or during the holidays to give them a present, or to receive one from them.  

We must remember, though, that, they are and will be with us on those days. Maybe not physically, but in our hearts, which I know I have stated before.   One thing my mother always told me a few days before she passed, was, "If I can't live another day, I want you to live those days for me. Take those slow breaths for me."  It hurt when she said things like that, especially when she would talk about her looming death in front of me when I was only twelve, but I truly realize now, that I needed to know that and hear those things.

The "wish you were here" moments are normal, and they hurt.  They hurt because we wish we could spend those days with our loved ones in the stands, or walking us down the aisle, or baking the apple pie in the oven.  Those do hurt when we think about that because we long for that again. I know that I always say, "Man I wish I could do that again with mom, but I'm never going to get that chance again, but I may, just with her being in a different place, in my heart, but still with me."  

I completely understand how you all feel when you wish that you could go back on that special vacation together like you did when you were a second grader, or you wish that your best friend was still here so you could have your tradition of eating popcorn  on New Years Eve.  I know it is difficult, but maybe a suggestion, find a new friend to eat popcorn with, or go on vacation with your family again.  Remember that those things still can be fun without your loved one there.  Make your own memories. I promise, life and memories do not end when one of our loved ones passes away, and I know it may feel like that all the time.  I had to learn that the hard way.

Life. Goes. On.

I always hated to celebrate the holidays without my mom because it felt like something was missing.  I always felt nervous and anxious when I had to visit with my mother's family, being worried that my mom would be the only person we would focus on, instead of things like how I was doing in school, or the weather in Richmond.  I never wanted to go on airplanes after she passed, worried that something would happen to me. I always would find ways to worry about if I was getting cancer or not because a few strands of my hair would fall out. It was all silly. I didn't want to live life without my mother by my side, it was not fair and still is not.  

Now, I look forward to vacations and the holidays. Although I still miss my mother, I remember that she still loves me and is there in my heart, and I don't need to miss her, but enjoy the time I am having with my family.  I love my mom and always will. Life goes on, and I look to others and activities to make me smile and have a very good life.  I am grateful for everyone in my life.  

Do you guys ever get this "Wish you were here..." moment?  Let me know in the comments!

Site to further influence my ideas:
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/mental-and-emotional-issues/grief-finding-hope-in-the-darkness#.UqELlpTk_fg

Happy Holidays,

Elizabeth

Picture From:

http://esdeer.com/beautiful-quotes-for-grief/

Grief During the Holidays

Tis The Season or..... 

During the holiday season, where we are now, grief has a chance to sneak up on us.  Whether you were grieving while stuffing your face with your grandmother's amazing mashed potatoes, or you are sitting on the couch watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, and wishing that your loved one was sitting with you, it is all normal.  I know that, for me, during the holidays, I always, always, always, miss my mom.  I miss getting to decorate the Christmas tree with her, or getting to prepare the holiday feast in the kitchen with her.  I overall miss her presence.  One other thing that still to this day at age seventeen, I miss seeing the presents under the tree that say: To: Lizzie, From: Mommy.  I always loved getting presents from my mother. She always knew what I wanted, even when I didn't tell her.  Overall, the holidays are hard without her.  

Below, are a list of things we can do to help ourselves be happy and jolly during the holiday seasons, whether you celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa.  No matter what, the feeling of missing our loved one is still present, especially being teenagers, because sometimes we feel that we must be "strong" for our other loved ones who are grieving as well, when we don't. We only need to focus on having an amazing time while we have off of work and school. Here are the tips:

1. Help family members decorate

2. Help with the meal, especially if your loved one cooked, make their "special dish" and serve it to everyone in memory of your passed away loved one. 

3. Sing their favorite holiday tune. Blast it around your house, dance, sing, do whatever makes you happy

4. If you are religious, pray. Prayer can help that grieving pain, and helps us become more spiritual during the holiday seasons

5. Get into the holiday mood!  Turn your home or your friend's home into a holiday celebration.  Bring the wrapping paper and the cookie dough. Make cookies, and have fun wrapping the presents you will give to your loved ones.

6. Go visit the site or grave where your loved one has been laid to rest.  Decorate that place.  Get a miniature Christmas tree and string lights around it. Put it on their grave so they have a little bit of Christmas too.  Go with family members as well, who knew the person, and pray together, or spend quiet time while visiting.  

7. Have fun! Do not dwell on your sadness. It gets better, focus on the new iPhone your favorite family member just gave you, or focus on the fact that you may or may not have to take semester exams.  Rejoice!

I hope these help. I always try to do at least three of these.  I know that my whole family loves to decorate the tree on Christmas Eve, while chocolate chip cookies are baking in the oven.  Yummy!  Spend time with the other ones you love. Your loved one who has passed away will still love you, and sometimes you may feel a strong love from that loved one, at least I do.  

The holidays are a difficult time for grief, but don't let it put a damper on your holiday spirit.  The holidays are  happy occasions where we get to give thanks for all that we do have in our lives.  Take the time to say quietly, "Thank you" for anything at anytime.  Grief is not something to give thanks for, but be thankful that your loved one is no longer in pain, and is happy where they are now.  

Happy Holidays! Hope you have fun! Your loved one still loves you, and when you look at the head of the dining room table, picture your loved one sitting there with a plate full of food, and a present in front of them, smiling, and whispering to you, "I am so proud of you."  Have a wonderful holiday season!

As Always, 

Elizabeth

A site that may help more:

http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-the-holidays/

http://www.griefhealing.com/coping-with-holidays-articles.htm

We Get It!

Why Death and Each Others' Grief Is Unique....

We only know what it feels like, because we have gone through it. It is not easy, but it makes us stronger.

As teens going through grief, we may or may not understand what death is, or why our loved ones passed away.  I completely understand.  As I've said before, I lost my mom when I was 12! No one had ever explained death and loss to me.  I never knew what the word grief even meant to begin with, until a family member sat me down and explained it to me.  When I first learned what it was, I totally did not understand at all.  Some of you may not either, but as I have explained before, grief is the process everyone experiences after a loved one passes away.
There are also many, many causes of death. Just to list a few:
1. Cancer
2. Car Accident
3. Homicide or Suicide
4. Illness
5. Elderly Age
6. Child Birth
And many more.....

Most of us have different experiences, and it is hard to relate to others when our circumstances are different.  We may be talking to someone who has gone through loss, and their loved one may have died from a car accident, while we lost our loved one due to illness.  One may be long term, and one may be very short term, and possibly unexpected.  Although, no matter what, everyone feels the same pain (grief).  A family member of mine passed away from Alzheimer's, and I lost my great-grandmother due to another illness.   I lost two people we cared about and loved.

Another thing we may think or say is, "Well, no one understands what I'm going through!"  This is true sometimes.  Everyone has lost someone in their lives before, but it may have been a long time, so they still have grief, but it has subsided. Other times, some people have not gone through loss personally, then in that situation, they indeed do not understand. Grief is something that includes pain that is indescribable.

Sometimes we may want to explain our pain to someone or something, but can't find any words to explain it.  An easy way I find is to say, "I am in pain." Then, usually, the person I am talking to understands that I am indeed talking about my grief.

Age can also effect our grief.  If we lost our loved ones at the age on one year old, then it isn't so difficult, because chances are we didn't know the passed away loved one so well, being that we were only one year old.  However if we were ten years old or a teenager, we would know the person better, and the loss would be harder, because we would have memories with that person over a span of a number of years. Then if we are thirty or fifty years old, it may be even more difficult, because if it is a parent, a grandparent, a friend, or another family member, we may have even more memories of that person, and the relationship(s) may be more developed, making the grief stronger.  It all depends.

No matter what, grief hurts!  Whether you are two years old or sixty-five years old, the pain is all similar.  Grief isn't easy, and it is hard to get on ourselves for feeling so sad, but it is all expected.  Don't worry, there is nothing wrong with you.  You are all unique in your own ways, while still trying to figure out your own ways of dealing with the grief that comes with our losses.

Do you ever feel alone?  Leave your response in the comment section! Let me know.

Thanks so much for reading!
As Always,
Elizabeth

Here is an interesting site to check out!
http://www.tpronline.org/article.cfm/Teens__Grief


Picture Above From:
http://mothergrievinglossofchild.blogspot.com/